Saturday, January 11, 2014


sometimes in life we are given moments and experiences that will forever be in our hearts and minds. they will follow you, you will see them in your dreams and they will forever change you. 

two years ago on december 22 i walked into an orphanage with amanda de lange. i was in xian china and although this was not my first time in china, nor an orphanage, it was my first time ever seeing the true side of it. 

the moment we entered that orphanage my heart was broken and my world came crashing down. i got a very very loud wake up call in that moment. and it's not stopped yet. 

see, the moment i walked in to that little room in the orphanage i spotted a baby across the room between two other babies and something inside of me jumped. something inside of me knew. i knew this little girl had to come out. i knew i could not leave her. and sweet amanda agreed and later praised my persistence for this little girl.

i went to the crib, picked up "my" baby and whispered a promise in her ear. as long as i had breath in my body she would never, ever see that orphanage again. it was a promise i kept. 

we left the orphanage, babies in hand and headed to the car. the entire time i take in this tiny, tiny baby's sweetness. Amanda told me i had to choose a name for her. i was so honored. and so i began to debate a name. so much is in a name. and i knew what her name had to be. 

i'm a planner. i love to plan. i love name meanings and i love dreaming of naming my future children. as soon as i thought of it i knew that was her name. her name would be liliana. liliana means God's promise and beauty. how fitting. 

we got back to starfish [the foster home]. bathed and weighed liliana [she was 4lbs 6oz!] and gave her her first full bottle. took some priceless pictures and cherished that little bit of time i got to spend with her. i looked forward to watching her grow through pictures and one day seeing her and loving her again. she was dubbed mine. i was head over heels. 

then, two years ago today i got the news that my liliana had passed away. i was devastated. i found out my liliana had passed away. i sobbed. and sobbed. and sobbed a little more. my heart was broken. broken for the little girl who will never have her family. broken because i will never get to hold her again on this side of heaven. she was my baby. i loved her with every ounce of me and now she was gone. and there was nothing i could have done. 

and then i realized something, she was never mine to begin with. she has always been His. from the moment she was conceived, to her first breath, the day i met her, and to her last breath, she has always been His. He only allowed me a small part in her story. 

there is a reason, i truly believe for liliana's life. she changed my life. she opened my eyes.

my sweet liliana is with jesus and she is whole. her death did not go unnoticed. she is not forgotten. she has been cried for. she is loved. and she is so missed. my sweet liliana is different from 163 million other orphans in this world. many who died today. many will die tomorrow. do you mourn for them like those who mourn for liliana?

we need a wake up call. we need to realize that there are babies just like liliana dying. there are babies who go completely unnoticed. we have to make a difference. we have to wake up. we owe these children that much. God doesn't call us or kindly ask us to care for the orphans…He commands it

you were so loved and will be so missed, sweet liliana. i forever will hold you in my heart. 

For everything comes from Him; everything exists by His power and is intended for His glory. To Him be glory evermore. -Romans 11:36

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