Saturday, May 3, 2014

when oceans rise

if i've learned anything from this journey i'm on it's that i am so not capable.

i am obsessed with organization. i love a clean house, i love color coordination, i adore clean cars, and clean cut things. so much. yet, when it comes to my room, car, + life it is so not like the things i love.

during this crazy whirlwind of a year since i accepted my move to uganda, it has been insane. i feel like i have accomplished nothing and everything at the same time.

right now between graduating from high school and still having not taken senior photos, sent out invitations/announcements, gotten a white dress, gotten any other outfits, shoes, or anything else PLUS still needing 10123823984 things for Uganda, to raise a little more money, to enjoy my time here in the states, to prepare, etc i am quite run down, unprepared and on my knees.

and in this chaos and mess i realize that He is still so present and real and with me. even when i feel like i'm drowning, i'm brought back to the earth-shattering knowledge that He walks on water.

i'm obsessed with Hillsong. their music makes me happy + i could listen to it all the live long day. one of my favorites (along with half of the worlds population) is the song Oceans. it speaks so true to my heart in this season.

when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace. 

do i truly believe those lyrics? of course. but when oceans are rising all around me, my perfectionist self finds it so hard to rest in His embrace. because i want to fix it and be able to handle it all myself. but that's the thing. i'm not capable. i am one person and maybe if i had better planning skills, i could do it. but the truth is, i don't. and so i'm thrown to my knees in a whirlwind of His grace and mercy.

please pray for me in the coming days as i experience some of the biggest days of my life. and some of the hardest goodbyes and sweetest hellos. i will be graduating from high school in only four weeks. i will be saying goodbye to everything i've loved and known for the last four years of my life and i will be closing a very sweet chapter which is such a bittersweet feeling for me. i spent a lot of days hating the building i walked into everyday and the people i encountered, but i spent a lot of days and nights loving it fiercely and loving every human being that crossed my path.

pray for my goodbyes. i will be leaving a four year old sister who is my very best friend. and i will be leaving four other sweet siblings who i love fiercely and that own my heart. i will be saying goodbye to my precious parents that are such a huge part of my life. i will be saying goodbye to all of my friends. the ones i have grown with for 12 long years. i will say goodbye to my life as i knew it.

pray for my hellos. i will be entering a country that owns my heart and runs it. i will be going to the place that is the heartbeat of my world. i will be saying hello to many broken and beautiful souls and telling them about the beautiful love that Jesus has for them. i will be loving them and doing exactly what God has called me to.

pray for my "loss" i will not be going to college with all of my other friends or enjoying a summer at the beach and lake with my family. i will be in a foreign country by myself. learning how to live on my own, while learning a whole new culture and a new normal. it will be very hard, but so rewarding. i don't count it as loss, in any way! trust me, but i do know that it may be a struggle the first few days/weeks regardless of the excitement and joy i hold in my heart.

this is what God has called me to. He has called me to a land that is far from all i've ever known. He has called me to dirt beneath my finger nails and to loving hard and good-even when it's not easy and my own heart feels mangled. He has called me to fingerprinting in the messy of grace and to change. and i'm so thankful.

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